Melonikkah defined.

I love my birthday.

Always have.

Always will.

And in the name of continuing

on this path of wholeness

and being comfortable with who I am

and delighting in my identity

as a daughter of God,

I planned a multi-layered celebration

with the things that I enjoy most.

It shall be called Melonikkah.

Like Hanukkah.

But for my birthday.

And it won't be 8 days long.

Just 4.

This means taking up space.

Lots of it.

And usually, I'd be anxious about it.

I'd feel bad for being the center of attention.

I'd still have a ball.

My issues wouldn't stop me from having a good time.

But, I'd leave the experience feeling like a dweeb,

worried, no obsessed, about how people perceived me.

But I'm tired of always feeling shame

or guilt about stuff.

REALLY TIRED.

So what if I like to pose for pictures.

So what if I like to perform on stage

and pretend like I am on Glee.

{which incidentally was a huge missed opportunity

for me in high school.

I SO would have rocked it out in a glee club!!!}

I really believe that this is how I was wired.

My intention behind my actions is to have FUN.

To do the things that I thoroughly enjoy.

To delight in the creation around me.

To dance hard. To sing loud. To make pretty things.

To be a complete idiot sometimes just for the fun of it.

Not to gain the approval or notoriety from others.

Why worry about what someone thinks of me

being in my element?

It's my element.

Not theirs.

This is a slippery slope for sure.

It certainly could turn easily indulgent.

It could help me to justify

living from a very selfish place,

always expecting others

to give me a pass on humility.

And to that I say no way.

But as I run from a past of carrying the burden

of feeling like TOO MUCH and NOT WORTH IT,

it feels like this is a part of my redemption.

To like that part of myself

that loves to perform and be carefree.

Who knows, maybe this will even become an annual event.