The Lonely.

As I begin to prepare myself for the holidays,

I am horrified at the thought of how lonely it will feel.

The thought of not having my daughter with me

for the entirety of Thanksgiving or

for all of the excitement of Christmas day

is enough to do me in.

But, the truth is, that it didn't take the holidays

for the lonely to kick in.

It just drives in the stake of brokenness a little further.

Six and a half years ago, I said "I do" to a life with another.

Today, I'm uncertain of what I do really meant.

All that I do know is that God has called me to a life of truth and love.

And what I was living was not truth. Or love.

You don't realize, though, even when you are

in the midst of a dysfunctional relationship,

how hard it is to do life on your own.

Or what a giant hole you have inside of you that longs to be filled.

I know that the Lord is capable of filling in this void.

But, as I fumble through each day alone,

intentional in raising Selah,

balancing responsibility with healing,

I just wish that God could be more tangible.

That rather than scratching a spiritual itch,

He could simply just scratch my itchy back.

Or rather giving me a Scripture that is powerful,

He would just come and have coffee with me and make me pancakes.

Not for one second do I want to minimize

HOW REAL

the Lord has been to me during this season in the valley.

It's true what they say about Him becoming more real

when you are in your darkest hour.

I'm just wanting to be honest about how even that sometimes

doesn't feel like enough.

Also, I don't want to forget how he has acted tangibly

through the beautiful people that He has put around me.

I really believe that my friends here have been His hands,

His listening ears, His cheers of encouragement, etc.

And finally, I want to recognize that even though

the little person sleeping in the next room is 3,

the Lord has been so good to me through her thoughtfulness

and uncanny interest in grown-up things.

I don't know many pre-schoolers that ask their parents

how their day was frequently.

And even if it is developmental, her kind expressions of love

{just today: "Momma, I love you. You are special to me."}

are my manna for this day.

Not to mention the picnics that I get to have

with imaginary friends, Jesus, and Santa Claus.

I have made an effort in this season of thankfulness

to focus on my blessings.

And there are so, so many.

But, there is so much pain to go along with it.

Part of living this vulnerable existence is

simply admitting it and choosing the pain

vs. numbing and checking out.

It will be worth it, I'm certain.