lifting veil?

I am having the overwhelming feeling of oppression lifting. I feel the words "the veil is being lifted." Most likely, this veil would be the cloud that has had permanent residence in my life-here and now as it relates to my struggling marriage, my fear of the future, and the constant struggle I have with self contempt that echoes in my ears: you are not doing enough, therefore you are unlovable. Be gone wicked cloud!

This oppression has caused me to leave a part of myself is the distance. I love to create. In a day, I probably get 5 or 10 ideas of fun things that I would like to do, or gifts that I would like to learn how to make for people. 99% of the time, those ideas are lost in the scramble to survive on a daily basis. So much of my energy has gone in to pleasing Josh or trying to keep him stable or teach him how to be responsible that I have lost sight of how I have been made-of WHO I have been made to me. What a way to give God the finger! Hey, I know that you have knit me together uniquely and that you desire me to grow into fullness, but I am really busy trying to save the world here. So, when I get to it, I will do my best to please you too, alright?

An idea even popped in to my head today of a potential healing experience for me. I often wonder: what do normal people do? what do their closets look like? how do they spend their money? how do they structure their day so that it is productive and fulfilling? how do they spend time with their families, and commit to walking well with Jesus, and go to the grocery store, and exercise and organize and blah blah blah? I've often thought that maybe I should just commit to spending one on one time with people that I like and just hope that their good habits for staying sane will rub off on me. There's an idea!

In this New Year, I have resolved to putting less stringent expectations on myself, to whittle down the to do list so that I don't even have to pretend for one second that I am a superhero on a mission. Only think about one PROJECT per week, only do a few chores in a day. Sounds reasonable and my guess is that in the aforementioned fieldwork, that I would likely find that the sane people that I would spend time with would already having this gem of an idea in place.

So, with my sight more acute, I set out on this quest of seeing the world differently and more importantly, of loving myself the way that Jesus loves me. Godspeed, me.