Welcome to my reflections...

About 3 years ago, when I was asked to consider how God saw me, I began a journey that may from the outside seem naive, childish, or even indulgent. But since I am moving away from idolizing how others see me and more towards believing how it is that God looks down upon me and delights in me, I choose now to humbly indulge.

The question was posed to me in class-Introduction to Theological Studies. At this point, I am thinking, what in the world I am doing sitting in a class about theology. And how in the world did I end up as a student in a seminary for crying out loud. Most of the people that I know, myself included, thought that the unfamiliar word seminary was a place where Catholic men ended up when they decided to remain celibate for eternity.

Existential was not a normal part of my vocabulary, but apparently it is a part of who I am and how I was wired, because as Reggie lectured, I totally got it. I was learning more about God and theology and creation and I totally got it. Up until this point, I was weighed down by shame and guilt and believed that because of the way that I had lived, that I was clearly not good enough to be able to take God in and to truly know something about Him. But clearly, this was FALSE. God was there and so was I and He was moving me to enter in to a whole new reality.

Reggie says, before we can learn about theological studies, that it was crucial that we ask ourselves the question "How does God see us?" I teared up in class for a moment as I tortured myself to answer that question. As a slut? As a redneck? As an orphan? As worthless? Oh God, I cannot bear to put an answer to that question.

So, instead, I did something so unlike me....I relied on someone other than myself. Out of desperation, I asked God Himself. On my drive home, I risked to wonder, "God, how do you see me?" And with that, I came to a stop sign, car sitting idol, and noticed a butterfly flitting around in the median. For a second I thought, oh now that would be cool. But my negative self talk quickly smited
my innocent desire. How stupid I was to fall even momentarily for such a silly suggestion.

Keep driving. Another butterfly. And I believe for another second. And then quickly kill off that little girl hope.

Few miles later. And yet another butterfly. And this time, I cannot believe the self-contempt any longer. I began to weep. Is that true God, do you see me that way? I cannot say that a voice answered or that a bolt of lightning dashed across the sky, but I knew with all of my being that God's spirit was loving me in a way that I had never felt loved before. I believe this may have been the first moment of true rest that my soul had ever encountered.

I came home and shared this with Josh and a few others. I searched clipart for a sweet picture of a butterfly to commemorate this occasion. I even contemplated getting a tattoo immediately after that experience. And still do 3 years later.

I am disappointed that my intentions for more reflection have been made prisoner by the pathological way that I have done life in the past few years. Scratch that. By the pathological way that I have done life for the past 31 years and 358 days. I have taken on so much responsibility and not cared well for my heart. I invite you to join me as I ask God to help me honor Him and myself by stopping, reflecting, as resting in the promises that He has for me as His beloved child.